Apologies and Oranges: The Play

ACT I:

Scene: Millersville University; Hobbs Hall; Room 225
Sun. 27; 6:00 PM

Ian stumbles out of bed after a 3 hour nap which was required to recuperate after an intense meeting for breakfast with his colleagues New Bill and Kevin. The room is very small and cluttered with books, clothes, and other assorted items. With no real decorations on the wall, the walls resemble that of an insane asylum. After making his way to his desk, he realizes his roommate isn't home yet...but a lack of interest causes him to turn his attention to something worthwhile...a bag of chips he had leftover from dinner the night before. After eating one chip, he drops the bag and grasps his throat in agony.

Ian: Ack! What is this devilry?! A sore throat? No...that's impossible. I can't get sick! I've evaded sickness all year!

Suddenly he gets a phone call.

Ian: Hello?

Voice: Alright you little bastard...you've been avoiding me for long enough, but you're not getting away this time.

Ian: Oh hey mom.

Christine: For that last time, I'm not your mother! Look, where have you been for the past few days?

Ian: Around. I'm getting sick.

Christine: Ha! Have fun with that! Just eat a lot of oranges, and drink a lot of Green Tea.

Ian: Mom, you know I don't eat food!

Christine: Stop calling me "mom"! Oh, and the pugs say hi.


ACT II

Scene: Millersville University; Hobbs Hall; Room 225
Mon. 28; 3:50 PM

Ian is in his dorm room, but this time the room is covered in oranges and half empty bottles of orange juice. As if the color itself was the cure for colds, the walls are now covered in a giant orange tarp. Ian is writhing in the pain and torments of his own personal hell, because his cold has reached its full potential and is tearing him apart. He is certainly in no condition to food blog, as he can barely stand up. His roommate is being as ignorant, undereducated, and socially awkward as always, so things seem to be normal on that end of the room. Since they both have a 4:00 class in ten minutes, they decide not to delay any longer and head off.

Kyle: Hey, I'm an idiot who thinks he's hardcore Christian even though I don't go to church and probably have never read the bible, and I get pissed off every time someone mentions evolution because they have no proof that it's true even though there's no proof of any God and I, as well as tens of millions of people believe in him anyway, and I used to be a meteorology major even though I don't believe in Global Warming and those two basically go hand in hand, and I watch American Idol every night, and I think I'm black so I write raps and hope that someday I'll get a rap label so I can be a gangsta even though my lyrics are the worst lyrics that any living thing could possibly conjure up, and my life consists of sitting here listening to rap music and watching whatever brainwashing propaganda is on the television. (dialog slightly exaggerated)

Ian: Yup.

Kyle: Man...do you believe how stupid some people are?

Ian: Nope.

Ian makes it to his English class with a headache worse than any he's had at college to date. His nose is stuffed so he can barely breathe, and he's coughing like crazy. And yet he couldn't skip because he had an assignment to turn in. So instead he must face an hour and a half long class that he normally looks forward to. He is greeted at his seat by Jesee, Jesse's happy-go-lucky friend who always carries a bible everywhere, and some weird kid he just met the week before named Ben.

Jesse: Ian! Guess what?! Now there are only 5 songs I can't beat in Guitar Hero!

Ian: hahahashutup!


ACT III

Scene: Millersville University; Hobbs Hall; Room 225
Tues. 29; 9:00 PM

Ian is laying down in his bed getting ready to watch "House", because it's an awesome show. He spent his whole day laying down in bed cause he was sick, and thus he was unable to food blog. Luckily, Ian doesn't have any classes on Tuesdays, and he therefore had the entire day to rest...or so he thought. In reality, he knew that the busiest day was yet to come...Wednesday. He knew that tomorrow would be hectic, especially with a cold. Furthermore, he had a speech due, and the first draft of a paper due. But on a higher note, his cold...although it seemed godawful just the day before...was getting better. Perhaps it was the oranges.

Ian: (trying to memorize speech)

Kyle: (listening to music)

Dr.House: (making smartass remarks to the person who was dying)

Suddenly in the middle of House...for no particular reason...Ian's glasses randomly break! The screw pops out of the frame and falls into the endless abyss that is his bed sheets.
















Yea, try finding a practically microscopic screw on THAT.

Ian: Goddamnit!!


ACT IV

Scene: Speech Class; Wed. 30; 8:00 AM

Ian is sitting in his seat trying to memorize his speech. Of course he signed up to go first because he wasn't planning on being sick. It was a hundred times easier once he actually got up there, and he just spat out a few fun facts about his video camera and sat back down to watch the rest of the general public speak. Of course, nothing can EVER work out, and he forgot to come up with his topics for the NEXT speech he had to give, which were due that day. Figures. After an hour of that class, Ian headed straight for his Zoology class. With only a few minutes to make it there he had to rush, and ended up twisting his ankle on the stairs outside the science building.

One he got into his class, Ian realized that without his glasses, he was screwed. He did what he could to retain what he was hearing, but the board was a giant blur, and he didn't get very many notes out of it. After making it through that class, he limped over to the dining hall and grabbed something to eat. He got two pieces of pizza, some macaroni and cheese, and a root beer. It was the first meal that didn't consist of oranges and orange juice that he had in a week. Since he had time to kill and didn't find it worthwhile walking all the way back to his dorm, Ian just stayed at the cafeteria jawn and listened to The Mariner's Revenge Song until it was time to go to Psychology.

Ian: (talking in his head) Wow, I actually remember all of this stuff. I don't think I took a single page of notes in AP Psych, and yet I remember everything I learned. Mr. Jonas is the best teacher to have ever lived! Mr. Jonas taught me well! Psychology is the study of human behavior. The 5 psychological perspectives are Biological, Behavioral, Cognitive, Psychoanalytic, and Humanistic. In an experiment, the Independent variable is what is manipulated, while the Dependant variable is what gets measured. Neurons are made up of dendrites, the cell body, and the axons which carry messages away to other cells. Axon away! Axon away! Mr. Jonas must have subconsciously drilled this stuff into our heads! I love Mr. Jonas.

The teacher separates the students into pairs. Ian discovers that his partner is actually a German exchange student who is here studying biology. It's still a mystery to him why anyone would take a foreign exchange program to Millersville, but since class is over, he decided not to question it. Instead he heads to the poster sale going on at school. He sees all kinds of awesome posters...Flight of the Concords, Monty Python...but in the end he only ends up buying a Garden State and a Lost in Translation poster. Both of which were added to his library compliments of Fat Dan.

After the poster sale, Ian headed over to the "Club de Ville", where he sat down and began to write his English essay which was due in two hours. He ended up running into that strange Ben kid who was discussed earlier this blog post.

Ben: So how's the English paper coming?

Ian: Only as good as yours!

Ben: Haha...fair enough. Just starting then?

Ian: You got it.

Ian and Ben both spent the next hour or two finishing the English paper, before heading off to English to hand them in. After English, Ian headed straight for dinner with Jesse and the rest of his bible-buddies. He had the same thing he ate for lunch, except this time with Orange Juice. Immediately after finishing this meal he was invited to Bible Study, which he respectfully declined. Hehe.

Without stopping by his room first, he headed to his fellow biologist, New Bill's room. There was a very involved Zoology Lab due the next day, and they had to get working. After cramming the rest of our lab group into his room, they all began using unheard of techniques in hopes of it somehow getting them the right answer. Luckily for them, it worked. After spending nearly 3 hours on the lab report, the crew split up. But on the way home, Ian realized that he hadn't been in his room all day. And if he'd been MIA all day, why stop now? He went to the library for about an hour until they closed.

ACT V:

Scene: Millersville University; Hobbs Hall; Room 225
Thurs. 31; 12:00 AM-midnight

Ian stumbles into his room to find his roommate sleeping. He puts down his backpack, and thinks to himself about what must have been the most frantic day he's had at college. Soon he realizes that he enjoyed every minute of it! His cold was practically gone, and rather than wasting time, he spent the day doing things that were worthwhile. He felt triumphed. Like nothing could conquer him. But he had one more task to complete before he could rest. He had a duty to fulfill to the food blog! Signing on to the blogging website he sees that he has already been public flogged, and his position was threatened to be removed. He would have a lot of explaining to do, and decides to write it in the form of a script to convey his apology in an entertaining fashion.

...and then he puts it off till Thursday night.