Jesus Christ

So today I read the bible.

Why? Beats me!
Maybe my last post opened my eyes to all the religious fanatics we have around here and I wanted to see what the big deal was. Or maybe I wanted to take a few pointers from it to see how to make the Dolist bible better!
...or rather how to start the Dolist bible.

In any case, it was a total waste of time because I'm still not convinced. Of course I didn't read the whole thing, cause there are like 60 books in it or something...but I skimmed around to the good parts and caught the gist of it.

But wait...where did Ian get a bible from? Well that's a good question. It all started last night after a Super Smash Brothers Tournament I entered(and lost in the semifinals). After which time, we went back to my friend's room(who won the tourney) and got some pizza. Now somewhere in between video games and pizza, my friend decided that I needed to be saved. Hey, don't ask. I'm as lost as all of you. He let me borrow his bible for the weekend. Actually, I have a correction I need to make. He let me borrow "The Extreme Teen Bible"...the concept of which being to make the bible readable to your average teenager. Never thought I'd ever hear the words Extreme and Bible in the same title, but after seeing the front cover I decided to accept his tempting offer.

Now the first problem with this piece of literature is that not once does it mention Bob Dole. There was an Isaac, and an Abraham, and a Abimelech?, and this chick named Sarah, but not once was there a good old Bob. Major flaw right there.

And before I go further, I'd just like to point out that I am in no way trying to disprove Christianity...I just want to show how utterly ridiculous this book is! So I'd like to take this blog post to show actual excerpts from the Extreme Teen Bible, and discuss them with you. Understand that I probably won't take anything from the actual bible part...just bits and pieces from the commentary they cleverly placed throughout the book in order to talk to the reader.

First off, I want to show the description of what the Genesis is about:
"The story of creation, as simple and clear-cut as it is, has been the subject of a LOT of dispute. No matter how much people disagree about all the things we don't know about how God created the world, Genesis gives us concrete information about what we do know."

Yea okay.
Concrete information...I fail to see any concrete evidence backing this up at all. To me it just looks like blind accusations and stories based on absolutely nothing.

They continue to talk about the 7 days that God made everything...which I don't see how anyone could EVER back any of that up, or be able to show "concrete evidence" for, but I guess if its in the bible then it must be true. Then they move on to my favorite story, Noah and the Ark!
And they're serious about this stuff!! The talk about how the Ark was about the size of a football field. Good luck fitting every species in the world on a football field sized boat. Hell, you couldn't fit all the millions of species of insects on there! Maybe you could say there weren't as many back then, except that might suggest that evolution might be true which is a sin beyond any other. Another thing I saw interesting was how they said that Noah was 600 years old when this was all happening! Wow! I guess the life expectancy for humans was higher than they say it was!

And now an excerpt!
"Where is Noah's ark today? Many people believe the boat can be found in the Ararat Mountains of eastern Turkey. Several explorers have attempted to find the ark's resting place. Some claim to have seen what could have been the remnants of the boat, but nothing conclusive has been found yet."

...I can't believe this is actually printed in here! What?! Did they just say that the ark was in Turkey? The ark that was made thousands of years before Christ was born is sitting somewhere in Turkey! But they can't find the football field sized boat that has been just sitting in Turkey for millions of years! Someone go on Google Earth and look for it!
And to top it off...after the flood was over, God invented rainbows to show his promise to Noah that he would never flood the Earth again. Thanks God! I was worried you'd try something like that again, but that rainbow just calms my nerves!


Next quote!
"Even by early biblical standards, where it was not unusual for people to live for hundreds of years, Methuselah was an old guy. At 969 years, he lived longer than anyone else mentioned in the Bible."
The quote goes on, but I won't type the rest out. It says that he lived long enough to see his great-great-great-great (continue the "greats until YOU GET TO THIRTY) great-grandson.
And of course, it wasn't unusual for people to live for 900 years back in the days of the bible! The life expectancy wasn't like 40 back then or anything.



Now this post is getting kind of long, so I think I'll stop. But seriously folks. People run their lives off of this? My roommate tries to attack me for believing in Evolution all the time, and the only thing he's ever got to back him up is the bible and what is says. I have to admit, I thought the bible was a lot more credible than it is. It's been very highly recommended to me, and I have to say that I'm very disappointed!

Breakfast: For breakfast today, I headed over to the eatin hall and got me some cereal. Nothing exciting. That special-K stuff with strawberries. I knew I'd be coming back for lunch in about an hour, so I kept it small.

Lunch: For lunch, I had pasta! Some crazy shaped pasta with Italian Sauce. I say Italian Sauce cause I don't know the name for it, even though they say it about 20 times per Olive Garden commercial. Speaking of Italians, I saw my favorite Italian, New Bill, and all of his buddies at the dining hall. It was a quick reunion, as they were leaving, but I saw them nonetheless

Dinner: For dinner, I said my prayers and headed over to the same hall one last time. I got mozzarella sticks, fries, and a salad. I sat down with my good pal from across the hall and he invited me to play Scattagories with him. Twas fun! I've been over there for the past 4 hours or so before I realized that I have food blogging to do!

But before I walked out the door, they caught me. They turned me around and did something unspeakable.

They invited me to church tomorrow morning.

What the hell?! What is wrong with this people?! Why won't they just leave me alone?! They've been at it all week! What is it about me this week that I suddenly need saving?! Seriously! This is like the 5th time they've tried to get me!
The only savior I need is Senator Bob Dole!

Oh...and by the way...this was posted at 11:11!