A Tribute to VG Villains

Video Game villains really are the best. They always try so hard to kidnap a princess, take over the world, gain ultimate power, etc, etc, and whether or not you admire these ambitions is up to you. But what you cannot dispute is their infinite self motivation. No matter how many times they fall into a pit of lava, or explode, they not only manage to inexplicably revive themselves, but they also get up, forget their past failures, and then try to do the same thing again. "I know I can," they say to themselves, "I know I can." Just like that stupid steam engine thing. Only difference, while the train thing knows he can and eventually proves he can, video game villains only seem capable of the former. For anyone to have that kind of endless perserverence (or maybe supreme ignorance), that truly is admirable.

Well, just the other day I went to the local coffee shop in downtown Newtown, and I'm estatic to find my favorite tandem of VGV's sipping down cups of joe at a table in the back corner. There was Bowser, Ridley, and Ganondorf, chatting up a storm. I immediately ran over to the table to say hello to my buddies.

"And after he hit me one last time, I fell into this giant sphere of magma at the center of the universe," Bowser told his commrades as I approached. "Then a giant black hole appeared and it sucked everything in. As I was being pulled into the abyss after the fires burnt my skin off, I said to myself, 'Jesus Christ, this fucking sucks!'" The great turtle proudly lifted his mug to his lips.

"Eh, you're a little girl, Bowser," Ganondorf cockily proclaimed. "I HAD the Triforce, and then some fatass King appears out of nowhere, touches the Triforce, and wishes for Hyrule to be destroyed. That's a real dick move, if you ask me. Then some nosy little kid impales a sword through my head. Do I bleed? No. I turn into a rock. It was a ton of fun sitting there helplessly as an ocean falls on my head. Tons of fun." Ganondorf then noticed that I was right there. "Oh, hey Erik, how's it going?"

"I'm great, Ganon, thanks for asking. Sounds like you guys have been getting some pretty hard luck lately."

"Whenever I feel bad about my situation," Ganondorf continued, "I just say to myself, 'At least I'm not some giant, stupid space dragon who isn't even badass enough to be the final boss of any of his games.'" He turned to Ridley, who had been silent since I got there. "Ain't that right, Ridley?"

"Reyaaaaarrgghhhhdoollleeeebooobdoolllleeee!" Ridley screeched. The vast dragon then spewed fireballs and laser beams all over the wooden table. It promptly caught on fire and all the drinks on the table spilled. Bowser was severely pissed off and immediately stood up.

"You idiot!" Bowser yelled at Ridley. "Do you know how much that frapaccino cost?"

Ridley then slammed his mighty tail across the remnants of the table, causing them to scatter across the shop. He then flapped his wings and flew up through the roof. The coffee shop has all but exploded here. The manager of the shop, who happens to be King Dedede, trots out, giant hammer clenched tightly in hand, and yells at the distant image of Ridley in the sky, "There's a door for a reason!" He then angrily walks back into his office.

"Oh by the way, Erik," Ganondorf says, turning to me with a bag of dirty laundry. "Would you hear my desire, to take these foul clothes and blot out the dirt by taking them to the washers?"

"Sure, Ganon."

***

Well that was largely unneccessary. After all the excitement at the coffee shop, I actually did eat some food today.

Lunch:
I had a frozen pizza, prepared by Jon Mayer himself. Good stuff.

Diner:
Yes yes, my dears, Ian, New Bill, Nicklaus and I all convened at the diner in the mid-afternoon. I had onion rings, which looked completely different in the menu picture, and actually weren't written on the menu at all, and they were pretty good.

Dinner:
After going back to the Gillies household and Smashing for a good while, which may have actually stirred me to start thinking about video game badguys, my mother picked me up and took me home. There, I had homemade veal parmessian (sp) and some tasty bread and butter. Doley moley, it's good to eat home cooked meals again.