Jeff Goldblum, Rainbow Warrior: Attack of the Loch Ness Monster and Other Fun Swedish Adventures.
Cast:
Ian William Gillies (Ian X. Gillies): The Kita, Human Paladin, Level 1. Also, the Dungeon Master.Dan Benyishay (dbenyishay): Ned Silverberg, Fancy Elf Paladin, Level 1. Also, 13-year old Historian prodigy.
Nicklaus Gillies (Ian's Brother): Dweebmasour, Dragon Guy Rogue, Level 1. Also, 10,000 pounds.
Backstory:
Antidino and little Ned Silverberg come from the same fancy tribe. The elders of said tribe, hearing of a meteor strike in a nearby town, decide to send two adventurers - Antidino because he was old and they were hoping he would die so they wouldn't have to pay for his Social Security checks anymore, and Ned because he was just TOO good at History and they didn't want some little twerp showing them up all the time. The two adventurers made their way to the town, called Town town, where they learned that the entire east side of the town, called East Town town, had recently been decimated by a falling meteor. This is where "Jeff Goldblum, Rainbow Warrior: Attack of the Loch Ness Monster and Other Fun Swedish Adventures" begins.
The Story So Far:
Antidino and little Ned failed to gain entry into the crash site, due to the fact that the townspeople had put up a white picket fence and placed numerous guards along the perimeter (Fred, George, Jack, John, Joe, Jim, Mikey Two Shoes, etc.). Full of despair, the two travelers retreated to West Town town (which had by some miracle been spared destruction) and made their way to Humpity Bumpity Inn. Once there little Ned Silverberg decided he could go for some hot chocolate, only to be told by the Inn owner that hot chocolate costed 200 gold peices - the sum of both Ned's and Antidino's budget for the entire adventure! Luckily, just as Antidino was about to give in to Ned's whining and waste their lifesavings on a cup of hot chocolate, a shady character from across the room got their attention (by being shady). He motioned for the unlikely duo to come over to his shady corner where he offered them two cups of hot shady chocolate. The two finished their drinks and were about to walk away, when the man said, "Wait, my name is The Kita. Hey Ned, you're a paladin, so'm I...you should trust me." Accepting this as a perfectly acceptable way of meeting strangers, Ned decided then on to do whatever the shady character told him to. Oh little Ned...
"We're after the same thing," The Kita said. "You want to investigate the meteorite, so do I...and so does my other buddy over there." He tossed his thumb over his shoulder, pointing to a man outside peeking in through the window, as if the warmth and company of the Inn were calling him but his "buddy" had refused to allow him in.
His name is Torin. He's an ass sometimes, but kickass other times.
The Kita snapped his fingers and Ned's attention was again drawn to the formerly shady character. Antidino was slumped in his chair, perhaps asleep, perhaps dead. "So are you down, Neddy boy? You ready to play the game of life and death? If so, meet me and Torin at midnight by the bushes by the fence by the meteor by East Town town. We'll be waiting."
Blah blah blah a few hours pass and everyone's by the bushes. The guards have changed shifts and now there is only one: Gregory. The gang decide not to try their luck and sneak through the bushes and over the fence. "That was easy," said Antidino.
The meteorite looked like just any other giant rock protruding 15 feet from the ground, except it had a large chunk missing from one side. Ned did a history check but rolled too low to be succesful. Same with everyone else. Then, out of nowhere, completely randomly - and some might even think this was made up on the spot as a result of two of the players around the table, hitherto uninvolved, threatening to leave and go to the diner - two dragons appeared behind the group!
They quickly explained that yeah, my name's Dweebmasour and this is Riddlindorf and we're investigating the meteorite or something as well I guess so hey, what's this trail of rainbow blood leading from the meteor into the woods?
The whole troupe started following the trail of blood (which may or may not have actually been skittles), with Dweebmasour in front. He's 10,000 pounds, don't forget - not that that really ever matters. After a little while the members of the group started to hear strange gurgling sounds. Nobody knew yet, but those sounds were actually coming from a family of Goblins, out on a camping trip to celebrate the dad's promotion at the steel mill. But by the time they found out it was already too late, the pack of rabid Goblin family members were upon the adventurers, mercilessly trying to rip their faces off with cake forks and pancake spatulas. Or something.
This battle went on for at least half an hour so I'm going to cut it down to the most important parts. Everybody was fighting with spears and swords and spells and stuff. Then this one goblin got his hand cut off. That shit was crazy! Then some of us got hurt, then some of them. Then The Kita kept accidentally stabbing himself with his own sword. Then Torin was an ass, then Torin was kickass. Then everyone was getting a bit restless and little Ned Silverberg realized he could just throw a hammer at one of the campsite's many trees and try to make it fall on the remaining goblins. He missed, but Riddlindorf's turn yielded a direct hit and the battle was over. Oh and the one-handed goblin, named Handyman, managed to escape, presumably to try to find his missing hand.
So anyway, the group continued on the trail of rainbow blood. Then, up ahead, in the distance, not so far that they couldn't see but not so close that they could tell what exactly it was they were seeing, they saw flippin' Jeff Goldblum meditating in the center of a pond in a clearing in the forest. The group rolled a history check and, sure enough, the pond was called Jeff Goldblum Pond. Next they rolled a history check on Jeff Goldblum and ended up reading his wikipedia entry for a while. But then, out of nowhere, more goblins appeared! Jeff Goldblum, still bleeding from his fall from heaven, was in no shape to fight them off and so the adventurers had to keep them at bay until such a time as Jeff Goldblum could do what he does best: blast some motha 'uckin' dinosaurs.
Again this battle took more than half an hour (there were nine goblins total). Long story short, it wasn't looking good until Jeff Goldblum declared he was fit to fight and killed all the goblins in one fell swoop.
Returning to Humpity Bumpity Inn Ned decided to check the history of the Inn. Did I mention he was a prodigy? Dungeonmaster Ian went into extreme detail with Humpity Bumpity's backstory. Turns out he's Jesus' brother.
And that's about it for our D&D session last night. It took 3+ hours, but it was worth it.
Breakfast: Tea
Lunch: Bagel with melted cheese and hummus, my specialty.
Dinner: Beef brisket, mashed potatoes, potato latkas, Hannukah cookies.
Oh yeah, merry Hannukah and happy Christmas, fellow bloggers!
4 comments:
this reminds me strongly of a particular freeks and geeks episode
ALL MY SINGLE LADIES!
Damn, I need to get in on this game and see what ridiculous sort of character I was supposed to have!
Jeff Goldblum is out of this world.
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